If Anyone Needs Me, I'll Be Over In The Corner Writing A Strongly Worded Letter To Marky Mark.

I thought Marky Mark could do no wrong. His brother was a new kid, he had that one good song in the 90's, those Calvin Klein ads and the kick ass movies. Then he made a little show called Entourage. If you'd like to know my feelings on the show, we'll just say I LOVE IT!!! quite possibly one of the best shows EVER! and I watch a lot of TV so if I say its good, its good. So I guess your wondering my problem, and the problem is Kevin Federline. Yes, K-Fed, the gold digging douche bag who knocked up poor Britney Spears twice and thus insuring money for many more years to come. This dink thinks he's a rapper? fine. Let him think he has talent, at least most people with a pulse and half a brain will know that he sucks. But now, this dirty stinky "Gangsta" (and I use the term VERY loosely) is getting roles on TV, and on some of MY shows no less!! he's going to be on the season opener of CSI because wifey probably called in a favor. If I were a casting director, I wouldn't even put him in a porn movie he's that much of a douche. Whatever though, I can deal with his being on CSI, maybe he'll be the dead guy and John Mayers guest spot should hopefully erase the uglies left by Kevin. But what makes me want to vomit with rage is the fact that he's now signed on to Entourage for 3 episodes to play of all things..wait for it....A Gold Digging Husband! What a stretch! WTF is wrong with Hollywood and HBO and Marky Mark??? seriously? are all the studio cutbacks affecting productions SO BADLY that they have to go out and hire Kevin Federline? and then give the bastard a 3 freaking episode arc?? Really! he probably can't act his way out of a wet paper bag! and if he weren't Mr. Britney Spears, do you honestly think the producers would even give him a call back to come and empty the trash? I don't think so. I guess in the mean time, all I can do is write strongly worded letters to Hollywood, Marky Mark and HBO....and pray to Jebus that Britney wakes the f*$k up and divorces his gross dirty ass.

Below is a picture of K-Fed lounging by the pool.....no...don't thank me, its a service I provide.

$600 Later.....

Yep...$600.00 later my car is ALMOST upto 100%. It seems that after the "brakes" and the "control arm" on my car went I still need a tire rod or something like that. Who really cares what its supposed to be called, lets call it what it really is: Another $200.00. Damn it! I hate having a car sometimes. But when I start to think like that, I always remember that it could be much, much worse. I could be taking public transportation. I took the bus once. It was almost empty and some douche bag that hadn't bathed in about a millennium who reeked of freshly cut lumber and tomato soup sat next to me. I had to open the window. Then I couldn't take the smell anymore and I had to move. I hate the bus. I love my car. Although mine isn't quite as saucy as the hot little number above (I do think the purple would be nicer than the red I have) and it has less rust, I would still rather hug and kiss some poisonous snakes than take public transportation. The End.

The PurpleMonkey "I'm Too Cool For A Tie Award" Goes To....

A disturbing trend that emerged on the Red Carpet seemed to be the Hairy Gorilla Chest Bursting Out Of The Shirt Look. This was perhaps best demonstrated on a somewhat dirty and disheveled/cracked out looking Jeremy Piven. While I'm super psyched he won for playing Ari on Entourage (Best Show Ever!), he just didn't look good. Would it have hurt him to shower before coming off whatever bender he was just on? Although, at least he had the good sense to try to cover up most of his hairy gorilla chest with a dumb assed ascott. And I think I speak for everyone when I say An Ascott??!! WTF?!. Simon Cowell on the other hand wore his shirt open and now the hideousness of his chest hair will haunt my dreams forever. See Dirty Jeremy Piven and Hairy Gorilla Simon Below.

OK, so I could only find a pic of Jeremy Piven, and I think this is the last of my Emmy Wrap Up as its now 2 days since the Emmy's and no one cares. I don't care. ...you probably don't care, and I just don't have the time, energy or the inclination to do it. So Suck it Sally!

The PurpleMonkey Emmy Wrap Up..

OK, so I didn't watch the whole show last night, but I saw a good chunk of it before I passed out for the night and I have to say that it was one of the better shows I've seen in a few years. And while most of the people I saw were tastefully dressed, there were some that deserve to be beaten with their own shoes. So...with no further fanfare, here is what you've all been waiting for...the First EVER PurpleMonkey Emmy Wrap-Up...

So let's start with the Host. Without a good host you don't have a good show. Thank Jebus the Academy Of Television Arts and Whatever had the good sense to get Conan O'Brien. This is probably one of the funniest men on TV. Only Conan would think to wheel the beloved Bob Newhart on-stage in a glass "air-tight" container telling the audience that to keep the show running on time, that Bob only has 3 hours of air in the container and that if the acceptance speeches go long, it'll kill Bob Newhart. Comedic Gold People! Gold!! plus the flip in his hair is almost hypnotic...you can't help but wonder how much styling product it takes to keep that flip looking saucy. See saucy flip below...

I Fear My Days Are Numbered....

I'm pretty sure I'm a wicked hypochondriac and as such, I have a crazy pain in my stomach...kind of off to the left, and I am convinced that it is caused by lung cancer. I have many of the symptoms. I have the aforementioned abdominal pain, wheezing, shortness of breath, unusual coughing patterns, and hoarse voice. So as I am pretty darn sure that this is the cause of my stomach pain, I'm also pretty sure that this is the end of the line and I'll probably only have about 4 months to live. Bummer.

WTF?! Is It Really That Difficult?

Honestly, IS it that difficult to order a freaking BLT sandwich without the damn T?! It doesn't seem to matter where I order it from, my work, Tim Horton's or Mr. Sub or wherever, no one gets it right. I always ask for BLT on whole wheat, no tomato, and cheddar cheese instead of swiss. Not that hard, but apparently it is. Because every BLT I've ordered for the last 3 days, have all had tomatos on them. I swear to God I am going to phone and write a strongly worded letter. What if I was deathly allergic to the tomatos? I'd die because my throat closed over because Sally working the damn sandwich counter is too damn stupid or lazy or both to pull her damn head out of her damn ass to actually look at the specifics of the order. ITS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE PEOPLE!!! although with the ineptitude I've encountered over the last few days, you'd think it was. Screw Tim Hortons!!!!

To _________, WIth Love,

To My Drunk Neighbor Across The Street, With Love,


Hey Buddy, how's it going? I bet its not that comfortable sleeping on the front step for 3 hours in the baking hot sun. I bet you've got a nasty headache from that. Maybe you should lay off the sauce for a while. Maybe thats something to consider....maybe. Anyways, Take care Drunk Neighbor! and drink some water..might make that hangover a bit less, and just remember to turn your head if you have to vomit...that way you won't choke on it.

Toodles,

PurpleMonkeyDishwasher

The T-Bone Top Five.

Seeing as how my best good friend T-Bone has just had all of his wisdom teeth yanked from whence they came, I thought I might write a Letterman-Style Top 5 List....but lame because its coming from me. So with no further fanfare, here it is...

The Top 5 Reasons Getting Your Wisdom Teeth Out Kicks Ass....

5. Three words: Hot.Male.Nurses.....and then their pants come down a little.

4. What with all the swelling in your facial area, you can tell people that your Botox went awry instead of giving you that NicoleKidmanFrozenFace look.

3. Free Gingerale.

2. With all the dried blood on your face you can go around trying to convince people that you are a Vampire.

1. What with all the spectacular drugs, you may develop a dependancy and end up in group therapy with Mel Gibson who starts referring to you as "Sugar Tits"

So there you have it, the Top 5 (somewhat lame) Reasons That Getting Your Wisdom Teeth Taken Out Kicks Ass. Hope you enjoyed it.

Below is one of your teeth mocking you....

To _______ With Love,

Another new feature...it used to be on the Craig Kilborn show, and since that show isn't on anymore and since no one reads this thing, I'm stealing it and bringing it back...so here goes my first ever To_____ , With love,

To Mel Gibson With Love,

Mel, Mel, Mel, what happened buddy? Its so sad to see your crazy mug shot all over the internet. What's going on? have you hit a rough patch? The Gibby I know is a far cry from the Gibby who got busted doing 90 down the PCH, and then tried to escape from the cops and then told the cops that you"own Malibu" and then said all those horrible things about the Jewish people and then tried to break a jail phone and then referred to a femal officer as "Sugar Tits" and then tried to pee on the cell floor. I know things look not so good now Melly, but buck up champ! things could always be WAY worse...you could be an alcoholic and a bigot...oh, wait...you already are. Oh well, at least you still have Oscar and all those piles of cash to help you fall into an alcohol induced slumber each night.

Toodles,
PurpleMonkeyDishwasher

Here is a pic of Gibby's Mug Shot....I wish I looked that Together after I just tried to piss on a jail floor...not that I've been to jail.