Mr. T Has A Reality Show Too....

So because every washed up has-been douche bag from the 70's and 80's is getting a reality show, Mr. T apparently saw the over-crowded, over-saturated reality show market and said "Me Too" and stuck his red, white and blue Converse covered foot through the door. The premise: A show called "I Pity The Fool", a little nod to his catch phrase from the 80's. In this show Mr. T dispatches advice and acts the part of the "motivational guru" to steer fans needing help/change in the right direction. The result: 30 minutes I'll never ever get back again.

Honestly, if you had a disease or needed help kicking an addiction or losing weight or something, would you REALLY turn to Mr. T of all people? I know if I were in need of help or inspiration, I certainly would not sign up for an ass whoopin' from B.A. Baracus. I Pity The Fool who actually watches and takes this crap seriously. We all loved Rocky and the A-Team, but Mr. T should recognize that his 15 minutes are up and no shitty reality show in the world can change that. What's next? a reality show featuring Richard Dean Anderson as MacGyver giving you helpful yet practical tips for everyday circumstances? Actually, that might not be so bad.

Roulette...The Non Russian Kind.

Part 2 in the PurpleMonkey Gambling Tutorial is Roulette. The game with the wheel and the little marble that goes round and round and round and round and round....until someone pukes. OK probably no vomit, but it is the basic point of the game. But we aren't here for vomit and basics are we? NO! we want the dirt..the real nitty gritty of Roulette playing..so here it is.

ROULETTE

So this is actually a pretty simple game, to get started, you need to buy Roulette chips from the dealer at your table. With a whole table of losers throwing chips around on the table, you want the dealer to be able to distinguish YOUR lucky chips from those of the dirty douch bags that are sitting next to you. The Dealer will also make sure your chip is worth the amount you paid for them. Once you have finished playing at that table, remember to change your chips back as other Dealers at other tables will have no freaking clue what denomination your chips are supposed to be. Once you've purchased your chippies, place your bet where you think the marble will land. There are 2 types of bets for you to place...an Inside Bet and an Outside Bet.

On an Inside Bet, you can bet 1,2,3,4,5 or 6 numbers, and it breaks down like this....

1 Number- You place your bet/chip on one specific number

2 Numbers- You place your bet/chip on a line between 2 numbers

3 Numbers- You place your bet/chip on the outside line of the row of 3 numbers

4 Numbers- You place your bet/chip on the corner connecting 4 numbers

5 Numbers- You place your bet/chip on the line connecting the 0, 00, 1, 2, 3. This is the ONLY 5 number bet on the Roulette table.

6 Numbers- You place your bet/chip on the outside line of 2 rows of 3 numbers.

On an Outside Bet, It breaks down like this:

Dozens: The chip is placed on the box marked 1st 12, 2nd 12, or 3rd 12. The winning number must hit within the dozen range of your bet. 0 or 00 would losing numbers.

Columns: The chip is placed at the bottom of the long column of numbers. The winning number must hit within the column of your bet. 0 and 00 would be losing numbers.

Red Or Black: The chip is placed on the box marked Red or Black, referring to the background color of the winning number. 0 and 00 would be losing numbers.

Odd or Even: The chip is placed on the box marked Odd or Even, referring to the winning number. 0 and 00 would be losing numbers, 1-18 or 19-36, the chip is placed in the box marked 1-18 or 19-36. The winning number must hit within the range of your bet.

And the payoffs you ask? well they work like this:

Wager/Payoff

One number-35:1

Two numbers-17:1
Three numbers-11:1
Four numbers-8:1
Five numbers-6:1
Six numbers-5:1

Dozens-2:1
Columns-2:1
Red or Black-1:1
Odd or Even-1:1
1-18 or 19-36- 1:1

I'm Ritchie Cunningham, and This Is My Wife...Oprah.

Remember that scene in the first Austin Powers movie where he and Vanessa just get to the casino and they find Number 2 and are playing blackjack and Austin has no clue what's going on and says "Hit me" even though he has 18? well we here at PurpleMonkeyDishwasher want to spare you the humiliation of being a Blackjack Idiot. Simply read the PurpleMonkey Gambling Tutorial below and you too can play like Number 2.

BLACK JACK

Sure we've all seen it in the movies before, some Rico Suave looking dude in a black tux, drinking some trendy drink, making high bets and saying "Hit me" and then walking away from the table with thousands more than he came in the joint with. Well, I'm sure in the High Rollers room, it may look like that, but in the "Real" world, the Black Jack table and the rest of the casino will be crawling with Hillbillies, Seniors and Hookers all looking to win YOUR hard earned money. This tutorial is designed to give even the slowest of monkeys a bit of an edge. And yes, I am one of the slowest monkeys there is, and if I get it, so will you. So let's get to it.

The basic idea of Black Jack is to have your hand be higher than the dealers hand without going over the magic number of 21. First thing you have to do is check your tables minimum bet, and then place said bet in the appropriate circle or square on the table. If you f**k up and place your bet incorrectly, the dealer will point out what a loser you are and you will suffer some public humiliation. Once said humiliation dies down, you and the dealer will both be dealth 2 cards. One of the dealers cards faces up and the other down. Most casinos will deal YOUR cards to you face up. If this is the case, DO NOT TOUCH YOUR CARDS. If your cards are dealt to you face down, you CAN touch your cards, but only with one hand. This is because casinos are paranoid of Ol' Joe Cheater, from Cedar Rapids. Cards hold their face value in this game with face cards equal to 10 and an Ace is equal to either 1 or 11. Whichever is more beneficial to you at the time.

Once all the cards have been dealt, the dealer will look to the first player to his left for a decision as to wheather or not the player is going to "Hit" or "Stand" if you choose Hit, you accept another card, or Standing is...well, standing. If you don't get what Standing means, maybe you should just quit now. After the first player the dealer keeps moving left to all other subsequent players. If you decide to take a "Hit" scratch your finger on the table top and the dealer will shoot you another card. If you "Stand" simply wave your hand over the cards and the dealer will pass you over...or think you passed gas. You may have as many additional cards as you like, keeping in mind the point of the game is to not go over 21, so don't be retarded about it. The dealer will play his hand once all the players have completed their hands. He will reveal the face down card, and if his initial 2 cards total is 16 or less, he must take as many cards as it takes to push him over the 17 mark. However, if 2 card total is between 17-21, the dealer must stand. The dealer will Bust if his additional cards cause his total to go over 21.

If you lose your hand against the Dealer, you lose your moo-la. If you win your hand against the Dealer, you win even money. If you receive a natural BlackJack (2 cards consisting of an ace and 10), you win 1 1/2 times your original betsky. If the Dealer gets a natural BlackJack, its a Push., and a Push is kinda like a tie. You don't win, but you don't lose either. Another option of play for shittier cards is to Split A Pair. For example, if you have two 7's, you can match your original wager, split the pair and play them as 2 separate hands. And that kiddies, are the basics of BlackJack. By following these easy steps, you too can be a Black Jack Superstar. Kinda like James Bond or Austin Powers. Probably more like Austin Powers. We can't all be snotty British spies you know.

Viva Las Vegas!

SO excited! my best good friend T-Bone and I are headed out to the Nevada desert to eat, drink, and play the sluts...well that's really supposed to be Slots, but if you've ever seen Beavis and Butthead Do America, you know what I'm talking about. Only 46 more days until the land of gambling, hookers, outlet malls and celebrity impersonators! And maybe a little CSI or a trip to Area 51? Who the heck knows.

This Post Is Brought To You In SpookyVision.

Its Halloween, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE Halloween. Its cool cause you can dress up and eat candy and they always show the scary movies on the TV. This whole last week has kicked some ass as AMC has shown ALL (well except the 2 newest ones) of the Halloween movies. Although 3 shouldn't count as part of the franchise as it didn't even have Michael Myers in it. WTF is that all about? Last night A Nightmare On Elm Street was on, but I still can't watch that. It still scares the hell out of me, and tonight, all 3 Exorcist movies are on, and tomorrow The Shining and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre are both on TV. Its the one time of year where you can gorge yourself on Reeces Peanut Butter Cups and watch pointless gore and cheap scares on TV and frankly, I'm all for it. Please note that in the spirit of the season, this post has been brought to you in SpookyVision. I, much like the South Park guys can think of nothing more bone chilling and frightening than Babs herself. So, I hope you can sleep tonight after reading this in SpookyVision, but we here at PurpleMonkeyDishwasher will assume no legal responsibility for any permanent psychological scarring and or dementia as a result of the SpookyVision. Just know that we employ the same crack team of lawyers that represent Tom Cruise and the crazy Church Of Scientology. I can't actually back that up, but it sounds scary as hell.

And Don't Call Me Shirley....

I have the worst name in the entire world. No one ever gets it right. Ever.

Case point #1: A lady that gets her printing done with the company I work for calls up every morning around 8:20am and asks to speak to her sales rep who is never there at 8:20am. Every morning she always greets me with a "Oh Hi Deb! How are you this morning?" or "How are you Debbie dear?" which would be fine.....if my name were Debbie. It is not.

Case point #2: I go to night school and I study TV Broadcasting, and my instructor has no idea what my name is. Half the time he calls me Emily and the other half of the time when he sees the attendance list and sees that my name is Sondra, he gets close and for the rest of the night, he calls me Sonya...which is also, not my name.

Case point #3: About 4 years ago, when I worked as a switch board operator at the Westin Hotel, an older lady a few years from retirement worked with me in the morning, her name was Donna. She also had no clue what my name was. She called me Heather. She would get angry when I didn't answer her as she was shouting "Heather!". That is because Heather is not my name.

Am I just so invisible that no one notices me or cares to learn my name? or is it that my name is so bloody hard to say? I don't think it is. Quite frankly, I think people are just lazy and ignorant. Takes too much time to learn a name. Might interfere with all that ass picking they have to do later. I think people just suck.

And Now, Its Time For A "Schrute-ism"

"I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged? "

-Dwight Schrute