I'm Ritchie Cunningham, and This Is My Wife...Oprah.

Remember that scene in the first Austin Powers movie where he and Vanessa just get to the casino and they find Number 2 and are playing blackjack and Austin has no clue what's going on and says "Hit me" even though he has 18? well we here at PurpleMonkeyDishwasher want to spare you the humiliation of being a Blackjack Idiot. Simply read the PurpleMonkey Gambling Tutorial below and you too can play like Number 2.

BLACK JACK

Sure we've all seen it in the movies before, some Rico Suave looking dude in a black tux, drinking some trendy drink, making high bets and saying "Hit me" and then walking away from the table with thousands more than he came in the joint with. Well, I'm sure in the High Rollers room, it may look like that, but in the "Real" world, the Black Jack table and the rest of the casino will be crawling with Hillbillies, Seniors and Hookers all looking to win YOUR hard earned money. This tutorial is designed to give even the slowest of monkeys a bit of an edge. And yes, I am one of the slowest monkeys there is, and if I get it, so will you. So let's get to it.

The basic idea of Black Jack is to have your hand be higher than the dealers hand without going over the magic number of 21. First thing you have to do is check your tables minimum bet, and then place said bet in the appropriate circle or square on the table. If you f**k up and place your bet incorrectly, the dealer will point out what a loser you are and you will suffer some public humiliation. Once said humiliation dies down, you and the dealer will both be dealth 2 cards. One of the dealers cards faces up and the other down. Most casinos will deal YOUR cards to you face up. If this is the case, DO NOT TOUCH YOUR CARDS. If your cards are dealt to you face down, you CAN touch your cards, but only with one hand. This is because casinos are paranoid of Ol' Joe Cheater, from Cedar Rapids. Cards hold their face value in this game with face cards equal to 10 and an Ace is equal to either 1 or 11. Whichever is more beneficial to you at the time.

Once all the cards have been dealt, the dealer will look to the first player to his left for a decision as to wheather or not the player is going to "Hit" or "Stand" if you choose Hit, you accept another card, or Standing is...well, standing. If you don't get what Standing means, maybe you should just quit now. After the first player the dealer keeps moving left to all other subsequent players. If you decide to take a "Hit" scratch your finger on the table top and the dealer will shoot you another card. If you "Stand" simply wave your hand over the cards and the dealer will pass you over...or think you passed gas. You may have as many additional cards as you like, keeping in mind the point of the game is to not go over 21, so don't be retarded about it. The dealer will play his hand once all the players have completed their hands. He will reveal the face down card, and if his initial 2 cards total is 16 or less, he must take as many cards as it takes to push him over the 17 mark. However, if 2 card total is between 17-21, the dealer must stand. The dealer will Bust if his additional cards cause his total to go over 21.

If you lose your hand against the Dealer, you lose your moo-la. If you win your hand against the Dealer, you win even money. If you receive a natural BlackJack (2 cards consisting of an ace and 10), you win 1 1/2 times your original betsky. If the Dealer gets a natural BlackJack, its a Push., and a Push is kinda like a tie. You don't win, but you don't lose either. Another option of play for shittier cards is to Split A Pair. For example, if you have two 7's, you can match your original wager, split the pair and play them as 2 separate hands. And that kiddies, are the basics of BlackJack. By following these easy steps, you too can be a Black Jack Superstar. Kinda like James Bond or Austin Powers. Probably more like Austin Powers. We can't all be snotty British spies you know.