I Heart IKEA!

I can't help but say "Thank God for IKEA". Where would we or at the very least I be without their cheap yet relatively sturdy and more or less quality product? At the mere mention of the store, I get a giddy child like smile on my face and I get excited like its Christmas morning. I love how its so craftily laid out. I usually know what I am going there for but I almost always have to go upstairs to get it and thus leading me through the maze and every department the store has, while finding various items that I really don't need, but its shiny and it looks cool so I will buy it. "Hmmm....$7.99" and I think some more, "Do I really need this crazy blue fuzzy lamp?" and as it turns out, I do. I then end up with a tray that will make heart shaped ice cubes, a wicker basket and I also pick up 2 sceneted candles and a chocolate bar while in line and all I came to buy was a simple picture frame.

I love how that store and all of its trendy cheap merchandise sucks you in and says "Ja! You know you love me! why don't take me off the shelf and buy me you girly man!" and the item sits on the shelf mocking you in a cute Sweedish accent until you have no choice but to buy it. I love how cheap and easy to assemble everything is. Cheers to IKEA shelving, and Jeers to the fact that the instructions are all in a crazy Sweedish Secret Code. IKEA is the best store in the history of the universe and I think one day I am gonna lock myself in the store until after closing and I am gonna redecorate one of those little rooms and live in it forever and ever and change it as the fashion dictates over the years. I really really really love IKEA.

I Do Not Neglect You....

I have a friend who shall herein be referred to as "T-Bone" and he is of the mind that I have been neglecting him of late. I so haven't. It only seems like I have been neglecting you because you have been sick with the horrible flu of death and many many many other things and you have had to go into hiding because of it.

To help cheer you up and to make sure you will no longer think I am neglecting you, I have come up with several cool things to tell people as to why you haven't been around.

1. "I had a nose job and I didn't want anyone to see me with bandages" and you follow it up with "It looks just like my old nose but slightly better" to account for the lack of plastic surgery.

2. "You see, I was out for a walk when out of no where this pack of angry dogs with bees in their mouths jumped out of the bushes and started shooting bees at me when they barked and it turns out I am allergic to bees and I ballooned up and flaked out like the Pilsbury Dough Boy after about 10 minutes in the oven"

3. " I am actually a contract killer and was called out of town on business" and follow up with "Uhhh...No particular reason, but are you going to be home on Friday night?" make sure you pull a piece of paper out of your bag or brief case and confirm your companions address.

4. "I sprained my ass."

5. "I ratted out some mobsters and they wanna kill me so I have been out house shopping with the Witness Protection Program."

See T-Bone?? I don't neglect you and I have helped you with several clever solutions as to why you aren't at work. Love Me Still??

I'll Be Attending Fast Food University This Fall!

Have you ever noticed that a growing portion of fast food is becoming less and less fast? and I don't necessarily mean speed wise. Case in point...I went to Tim Horton's today and I ordered a sandwich, a Turkey Bacon Club to be exact, with cucumbers instead of tomato and with honey mustard please, and This is how it went....

I am told to slow down and give her my order one thing at a time (and I place the emphasis on the slow part.) and she proceeds process the order, I get the sandwich and she has forgotten the bacon and the honey mustard. I point out the mistake and she says "oh, you wanted bacon?" and I nicely point out that I ordered the Turkey BACON Club. "oops" she says. "Indeed" I think to myself.

I get the sandwich and decide I would like some cookies as well, I order a half dozen to bring home for everyone to enjoy and I say "Excuse me, can I please get a half dozen cookies?" and she walks over to the till starts punching something in and then says "A half dozen? so you want six cookies??" and I realize that she is completely serious. I say " Yes, that's 6 cookies" and I get my cookies and leave shaking my head.


Workers and graduates of Fast Food University, I salute you!!! without your hard work and dedication, taking hours to perfect those tiny cheese burgers, always remember,B.B.C.K.M,or bun, burger,cheese,ketchup and mustard. Whoa! its mind blowing. You are Proud, You are Few, You are Courageous, You are Fry Monkeys and for that, we Salute you!! Hats Off Ladies and Gentleman...Hats off indeed.

The Life Of A Hypochondriac.

I have a problem....I am pretty sure I am the worlds biggest hypo ever! it seems like everyday, I have a new ache or pain and everyday, I convince myself that the previous mentioned ache and or pain is a symptom of a new deadly disease.

Examples you ask? well, if its a headache, right away, I have a tumor or am perhaps having an aneurysm. I'm probably not, but you can never be too sure, so I whine about it. Or if I find that I am losing a bit more hair than is normal during the course of a day, right away, its "Mom...I think I have scurvy again, It may be deadly this time" and to that she replies " You don't have scurvy, your just imagining it" and then I go on my merry little way. Until a little while later, I get a strange pain in my left arm, right away its "Mom, I think I am having a heart attack and or a stroke" and she replies "You are not having a heart attack or a stroke, you are just making yourself sick, stop it." and then usually follows it up with a smarmy comment about if I ate better, I wouldn' t have these problems. I think this all goes back to when I was younger, I had a bad headache and my older sister convinced me that I had a huge brain tumor and later convinced me I had prostate cancer (before I knew what a prostate was). Now, I know I don't have prostate cancer and I have come to the conclusion that my older sister is a dink, but I think the scurvy may be back again. Such is life, the life of a hypochondriac.

Bob Barker Rules

I think it is my destiny to "COME ON DOOWWWNNNNN!!!"........That's right boys and girls, it seems that I was born to be on The Price is Right. I have been watching it when I can since I was 5 years old and it seems I have an uncanny knack for guessing the prices on the fabulous prizes.

It has actually always been my dream to go on the Price Is Right. I wanna run down that aisle flailing my arms with reckless abandon (and hoping like hell I don't fall) and bid on that toaster!! imagine it....."I bid $1.00 Bob" and then those fateful words..."And the actual retail price is......" and I bid the closest.

I have this dream where I run up on stage and I even have one of those t-shirts with some stupid saying about Bob Barker on it. He leads me over to the middle of the stage, those trippy doors push back!! and all I can see is that totally bitchin purple stair case..I think "No! it can't be" but it is...it's PLINKO!!!! I guess the price of 3 mundane items and get all 3 chances to win, I climb the stairs and drop the first disc. Blip blik bleepblee bloop blip bleop bop. It lands on $10,000 I freak out, and drop the second disc. Blip Blip thunk tink blip, it lands on $10,000 and again with the 3rd disc. I have made to the finale of all finales!!! THE SHOWCASE SHOWDOWN! that means I get to spin the big wheel.

I nervously wait for my turn to spin that big wheel, and I again hope like hell that I so don't give it one of those stupid prissy girly spins that doesn't even go all the way around. I step up and haul on that thing like I am the Incredible Hulk and someone has just seriously pissed me off. It spins...bleeep bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep,bleep,bleep,ble-e-e-ep. It rolls to a stop on $1.00! I am in the showcase showdown and I get the bonus spin. I land on $1.00 again and yes, another $10,000. This is beginning to be more than I can bear. I see the first showcase and its crap. You know, the standard shitty Dinette set, carpet, and crappy dishes. I pass it to the poor sap that's the runner up he looks like he weighs about 35 pounds soaking wet and I think to myself "Man, its gonna be cool to beat him in this showcase! and possibly later in the parking lot with a stick for wearing that shirt with those shoes"

I can tell by the music in the background, that my showcase is themed and its gonna be good. I see the first item is a new large screen plasma TV, the second is a trip to Paris, France (not to be confused with Paris, Texas) and the finale is A NEW CAR!!!!!! and bonus! its a hot little convertable. I mentally add up my guessimate of what they are worth. Carry the 1 and don't forget the exchange rate plus sales tax, and I bid "26,500 BOB!!!!!". The other freakshow next to me makes a stupid bid and I think to myself "Your stupid buddy! you'll never win with that shitty bid" and I laugh to myself silently and again think"Heh heh heh, its in the bag". The show is back from commercial, and the actual retail price of my showcase is......"$26,600" I WIN BOTH SHOWCASES!!! I hug Bob and run over to my prizes and freak out some more with some friends. This is the best dream ever.

So you never know, next time you watch the price is right look for the spazzy chick in the Saved By The Bell T-Shirt screaming "Higher Bob! Higher!" from the audience. It may be me.

People Are Stupid

Ok, I know I should be more tolerant of other people, but really, they just give me so much darn amunition.

The subject of todays blog is stupidity! and how rampant it is pretty much everywhere. Example #1. The Oblivious Idiot.

I work in a call center with the phone company. Today, a man who seemed to be very smart (lets remember that first impressions can be decieving) was calling about why his bill was so high. It turns out he was being billed for dial up internet that has been on his bill for NINE YEARS!!!! and the idiot wanted nine years worth of credit. I told him it wasn't gonna happen. How much of an idiot do you have to be to not notice something that has been on your phone bill for the last 9 years? in my opinion, if it takes you that long to notice something, then you are stupid and don't deserve a credit for a day let alone 9 years. Honestly, how does this dude run a business??

Example #2: The Cake

All of the elevators in our office building are kinda crazy. It seems that they only stay open to let people on for a very short time. I had just gotten on the elevator with some other dude and all of a sudden we hear a very frantic "WAIT!!!" and a lady carrying a lovely cake that said "Happy Birthday" materialized in front of us but just as the elevator doors were starting to close. Now, logically and according to common sense (or uncommon sense as I sometimes call it because it really is remarkable how many of us have none) you would think that if you were going to shove something in the doors to hold them open to stop them from closing you would use some sort of a bag or briefcase or an arm or leg or something like that. But, no, this idiot shoves her cake box in between 2 steel doors and gets upset when they smushed her cake. I am no expert but really, she should have seen that coming. I do feel kinda bad for laughing so hysterically though was that wrong?. But really, how does this lady manage to dress herself in the morning?

Maybe I just need more patience.

OMG!!

Its official!! I have a problem. I love buying "retro" t-shirts with old 1970's and 1980's bits of pop culture on them. So we go back a few weeks, I am skimming my usual copy of US Weekly and at the back they have cool items you can order either by phone or on line. I see a T-Shirt that says "I Love Jake Ryan" if you read my profile then you know that Sixteen Candles is one of my favorite films ever! So I checked the info on how to order and discovered this wonderful little website that sells nothing but those "retro" shirts.

I swear, It was like I was having a wonderful dream. In a place where Jem and the Holograms were all the rage, a place where Mr. T was one bad assss mofo! I PITY THE FOOL who mess with him!!!! and where Batman and Robin (tee hee) were good entertainment instead of some stiring of badly acted movies (which I may or may not be a fan of, ask me tomorrow).

Anyways, I ordered a Saved By The Bell shirt, one that says Bayside Tigers infact, so that I can feel like I too, am Buddy Buddy with Zack and his cool but level-headed bunch of friends. The next day, I got an email from the website and from UPS saying that the shirt would be there the following Tuesday. The countdown was on.

I went to work on Tuesday and was restless all morning. All I could think about was the damn shirt!! I decided I had a "Doctors Appointment" that I "Accidentally" forgot to mention until about 2 hours before. So I left and made it home by noonish. Hadn't seen any sign of delivery, still hope it would be there that day. I waited.....I waited some more.....I had a nap......I got up.......and I waited. FINALLY after I had just sat down to eat dinner, there it was....THE DOORBELL!!!!

Well, I'll tell you something, I really don't think I could have sprang up from that couch any faster than if a pack of angry dogs with bees in their mouths were chasing me. I opened the door and there he was a strange looking guy in a brown uniform... he looked at me, looked at the name and said barely grunted "This you??" and I said "YES!" and he shoved the package in my hand and left. I was pretty disapointed. I guess "Brown" really didn't want to do that much for me. In conclusion, I got the shirt and went to work and displayed my Tiger Pride. THE END. Sorry its so damn long.