A Memo To The Drunk Dude Across The Street From Me

September 3, 2008

Dear Drunk Dude Across The Street From Me,

Over the years we've witnessed you many times, in many states of drunkeness, most of which have proved to be highly comical for us, your neighbors. Most of us have simply shrugged and said "Oh...that's just Crazy Drunk Dude, don't mind him" when witnessing you staggering and weaving down the street, or remembering fondly the time you stood at your front step and proceeded to stab the lock on with your key in futility, and then giggled when you just gave up and had a nap on the front step. None of us have even minded the times when you went outside and tried to fix that flat tire on your van in ill fitting shorts and a dirty undershirt. I simply MUST however, voice my displeasure, nay, my disgust at your latest forray further into the stereotypical white trash abyss by trying to fix the aforementioned flat tire IN YOUR ILL FITTING SHORTY BATHROBE!!!!!!

Sweet Jesus sir! what ARE you thinking? you squatting down in an un-flattering position in a shorty robe is SO not what I want to see when I pull up in front of my house. I understand that sometimes lounge wear is a much more appealing alternative than regular normal human clothes. I understand that the flat tire on your van is the bane of your existance, and I'm "hip" as to why you feel the need to try to tackle that tire when your wasted. I get it. Its a project...it fills your day. But maybe instead of filling your day with JUST beer, you could try filling your day with beer and laundry...for ALL of our sakes. Seriously. That robe isn't doing your or anyone any favors. One strong breeze and they'll be arresting your for showing off your bits and pieces to the neighborhood kids. It won't be pretty. Heed my warning now Drunk Dude Across The Street From Me! burn the shorty robe and if you can't go back to human clothes, at least consider going back to the ill fitting shorts. Anything is better than that damn robe.

Sincerely,

Me